


If I Could Turn Back Time

by IvanW



Series: Song Inspired Fics [15]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Breakup, Established Relationship, Forgiveness, Longing, M/M, One Shot, Romance, Song fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-04
Updated: 2020-10-04
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:54:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26819146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IvanW/pseuds/IvanW
Summary: Inspiration from Cher's If I Could Turn Back TimeSpock wishes to apologize to Jim after their breakup.
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Spock
Series: Song Inspired Fics [15]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1487456
Comments: 23
Kudos: 126





	If I Could Turn Back Time

Spock stood before this particular door for the fifth time in the last two months. He thought perhaps it made him a stalker. He did not know. The door had never been opened to him in the previous attempts. He had been completely ignored.

His friends had told him to give up and move on. They did not understand. There were times that Spock did not understand either. But he had to try again, at least this last time.

How could he go on without his T’hy’la?

He knocked on the door, leaving his hand resting there. Waiting for something he was sure would not happen.

Sixth and final time. He had told himself if Jim did not open the door this time, he would go away and leave him alone.

The thought, the realization, that this was finally it, was not a pleasant one.

So when the door was opened a crack, just a teensy one, and one blue eye peering out at him was visible, Spock was momentarily stunned into silence.

For so long that there was a heavy sigh on the other side of the door.

“Spock, what are you doing here?”

That voice. Spock had missed it. And even though he was sure Jim was about to slam the door shut in his face, he let it wash over him a moment more.

“I…to apologize.”

A long silence greeted that. And still only the eye peering at him was visible.

“Please.”

To Spock’s relieved surprise, Jim opened the door wider to reveal all of himself. Since he had only been able to see Jim from afar for two months the sight made him a little lightheaded. He had not even really realized how much the loss had affected him.

“Well?”

“Out here?”

Jim nodded. “You have something to say, you can say it where you are.”

Since it was more than he had been afforded so far, and definitely more than he had hoped for and expected this sixth and last time, Spock released a long exhale.

“I have…I am not good at relationships as you have no doubt become aware of, even prior to our estrangement.”

“Breakup.”

“What?”

“We aren’t estranged. We are kaput.”

Spock moistened his lips. He felt vaguely faint.

“Growing up on Vulcan in a household of emotionally stunted individuals, not the least of which was my father…”

“So, what you said, was your parents fault.”

“Yes.” He saw the look on Jim’s face and quickly corrected himself. “No. Definitely not. And if I could turn back time…”

“But you can’t.”

“No. I would take back the words I said, and you’d stay.”

Jim frowned, but said nothing.

“Words are like weapons.” Spock briefly closed his eyes. “Mine most of all.” He recalled the tears in Jim’s eyes as the human walked out on him, bags packed. And Spock just watched him leave, without a word to stop him.

Still Jim said nothing, and Spock was aware he was running out of time to get through to him. Could he really live without his T’hy’la for a lifetime? He might have to.

“When you walked out the door, I swore I did not care.”

Jim sighed then. “You know how you said you aren’t good at relationships?”

Spock nodded.

“You suck big time at apologies, too. Look, I’ve got things to do and…” He started to close the door again and Spock in his panic moved forward and stuck his foot quickly in the way. Jim’s gaze flew to his.

“Please. I…can I finish?”

Another long pause. “Okay.”

A reprieve.

“Making you cry…” Spock drew in a breath and let it out. “It is among the worst moments in my life. I would have never wished for that. My words were ill-chosen and ill-advised. My temperament at that time was unpleasant. My day had been challenging and I chose to take it out on you without thought. My affection for you runs deep.”

Jim’s eyes narrowed. He crossed his arms in front of his chest and leaned in the doorway. Spock knew much about his T’hy’la’s body language and this did not bode well.

Spock was becoming desperate.

“For Vulcans there is a-a bond…a rare one. You and I share this bond. You are my T’hy’la and…”

“What is that?”

“There is no real way to explain it in standard terms,” Spock replied, but knew that was also the wrong thing to say because Jim’s body language became even more forbidding. He hastened to add, “More closely related to soulmates.”

Jim scoffed. “We are _not_ soulmates, Spock.”

The ache in Spock’s side that he had been trying to ignore now matched the ache in his head.

“Captain—”

Another wrong thing to say judging by the glacial blue of Jim’s eyes and Spock did not know why he had returned to Jim’s title.

“I’m not your captain anymore either.”

“If I could reach the stars, I would give them all to you.”

“Wait. Uh.” Jim shook his head. “Are you-are you quoting an old Earth song to me?”

Spock swallowed. “Am I?”

“I don’t know. It just sounds familiar. Spock, why don’t you try this whole soulmate thing on Uhura? You and she lasted far longer than the two of us.”

“I do not love Nyota. Not that way. It is you that I love. That I will always love. A T’hy’la is friend, brother, lover. You once said that you loved me. If that is no longer true—”

Jim straightened away from the doorway for the first time since Spock had arrived. He gestured to the inside of the apartment.

“Come in.”

Heart pounding, Spock hesitantly asked, “Doctor McCoy?”

“Georgia. Are you coming in or not?”

“I am.”

Spock rushed inside before Jim changed his mind. He shut the door behind him.

“Jim, I am extremely sorry for my behavior. It is unforgiveable I know and yet I am asking for forgiveness.”

“Because we are soulmates.”

Spock nearly said yes but somehow guessed it was a test.

“Because I love you. Beyond anyone or anything.”

There was just the barest twitch of Jim’s lips.

“Vulcans are logical beings and are emotionally stunted. I knew almost no affection from my father, I had my mother for so little time and during the time I did have her, my father forced her to be reserved even to me, and while my relationship with Nyota was satisfactory, it never truly fulfilled either of us to the extent we required. I would…”

“Spock. Stop.”

Spock blinked at him.

“Stop before you ruin a far more acceptable apology. You were getting better, learn when to quit.”

Spock nodded. “I…yes.”

But he was still uncertain. Jim had allowed him into McCoy’s apartment, but…

“I am sorry, Jim. For hurting you, saying what I did. Making you leave. It has been torture without you. I am shattered.”

Jim closed his eyes, sighed, and then came toward Spock. When Jim’s arms came around Spock, Spock closed his eyes too, and began to shake.

“Hey, hey,” Jim whispered in Spock’s ear. “I’m right here. Okay? I’m here. And I forgive you.”

The relief of those words, of those arms holding him, brought moisture to Spock’s own eyes.

“Then you…” He simply could not find the strength to ask what he needed to ask.

“Yes,” Jim said softly. “I love you.”

Spock tightened his own arms around Jim, pulling him impossibly close. They stayed that way for several long minutes.

When finally Jim pulled away, he gently ran his thumb over the wetness on Spock’s cheek.

“Let’s go home.”

Perhaps the sweetest words that Spock had heard.

“Yes.”


End file.
